As a matter of fact my bong is named Hulkamania brother
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Randomize
