just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Terrible idea I love it
Randomize
