I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Randomize
