I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
