Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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