i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
