Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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