Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
