Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
