every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
