Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
