Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
The smell of pee and coconut conditioner still makes me think of him
Randomize
