I want you more than these girls want KFC
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
