This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
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Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
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I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?