The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
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I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
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I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
So, were they human bite marks at least?
Your guess is as good as mine.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on