Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
