he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
