in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
He just walked in the house and decided to wake everyone up by yelling "I SHIT MYSELF!" We all thought he was joking....we were all wrong.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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