just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Randomize
