I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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