I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Randomize
