dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
In other news, I just burned my penis
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
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