When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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