So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
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