Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
