Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize