Duck Duck Cougar?
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
