I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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