Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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