I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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