He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I'm in the dining hall. that same guy is here again, the one who sits alone and talks to his silverware.
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Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
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He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
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