Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
tell me about the fingering
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
