If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
Why can't burritos get me drunk
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
