Don't make out with my wife yet
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
Randomize
