I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You're like the curious george of whores
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
