Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
Randomize
