Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize
