Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
