My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
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