Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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