he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
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