I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
with the way the semester is going, being a stripper is starting to sound better and better everyday
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I've never been so excited to be bleeding from my vagina.
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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