Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
