i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
I want to fling myself into the sun
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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