It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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