$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
Randomize
