i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
we made out on top of his cat.
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
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