Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
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