sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
You took a bar mat shot.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
Randomize
