I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
