There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Randomize
