So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
