She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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