My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I wasn't supposed to sleep w him. So of course I sent him gps location to my bed.
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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