fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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