Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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