Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Randomize
