Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I need to sanitize my soul.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
Randomize
