Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
