Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
