Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
