3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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