Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
