Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
