The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
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Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
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